Personal Values

I am a firm believer that once the universe, or God, thinks you are ready, you will start to see signs everywhere. And once I declared my value to the universe last Tuesday, I have been seeing signs.

Now, to everyone else, they might not seem like much, but things I have considered signs?

  • Social media articles.
  • Prayers.
  • Quotes.
  • Conversations where I was able to let others know I didn’t feel valued in situations.

And much more. It feels everywhere I turn, I am seeing signs of knowing my value. Needless to say, I am actually excited about having the idea valuing myself my project for the upcoming year. I always set goals and have achieved some of them, but I really never thought about the why behind what I wanted to actually accomplish something. For example, I always set a goal to accomplish reading 52 books every year. Why do I want to read 52 books in a year

For example, I always set a goal to accomplish reading 52 books every year. Why do I want to read 52 books in a year? Is it because I see others do it? Is it because I like the idea of reading a book a week? If I do like that idea, why? Is it because I want to compete with others or myself? I could really go on with inductive reasoning but the main reasoning behind setting this goal is A.) It sounds nice in my head. B.) I am sad at the thought I’ll never be able to complete my to be read pile on Goodreads and C.) I truly value the enjoyment I get from reading, both academically and recreationally. Not everything is complicated in life, but you can easily see how much someone can really dig into things.

A while ago, after reading my friend Jason Vitug’s book, “You Only Live Once,” I made a list of things I valued and was willing to spend money on. Such things included travel, education, health, and friends. While my list hasn’t entirely changed, I still have some ideas of areas in my life I would like to really focus on valuing the next year, while still valuing myself. It’s always easier to value things and people than valuing yourself and that is exactly the type of behavior I am trying to get away from.

Areas of my personal life up for consideration?

  • Health– I value my body & mind. I hope to live a long healthy life to the best of my ability by taking care of myself both physically and mentally. What can I do to help ensure this is possible?
  • Self-Worth- I value my self-worth. I hope to one day not rely on others to make me happy or unhappy and instead, make myself happy. I do not wish anyone to pay attention to me or give me an opportunity. I know I am worthy of attention and opportunities. If someone fails to acknowledge it, it does not make me any less of a person. What can I do to feel confident and happy in all situations?
  • Education- I value my education. I have honored this to myself by getting a bachelors degree for me. While this will help my earning potential in the long one, it is my biggest accomplishment to get up every day and focus for however many years it took me. Since I do not want to lose feeling accomplished, I will continue to read and learn new things, as it relates to both my interests, self-development, new cultures and my career.
  • Wealth- I value my bank account and there is no shame in valuing security. I value not worrying about money at night or how I can pay my bills. I value knowing that I have money shall an emergency happen and I know I am blessed and have money for food and other necessities and even wants. I am also blessed so I try to share when I can.
  • My space- I value myself and anywhere I spend my time. I value my home, my office space, and my car. By choosing to not clutter, decorate in fun and meaningful ways and keeping cleanliness, I am showing myself I value my space and comfort.
  • Fun- I value myself and allow my inner child to have fun. I value spending time with others but I also value spending time with myself. I value reading, watching movies and anything else that brings me joy and laughter. Traveling and experiencing new things is something else I value spending time and money on.
  • My Business- I value making a difference in others lives through my career and opportunities I can create for myself and others. I value educating others on things I wish I was educated on so I could have been more successful earlier in life. I know I have great ideas and compassion for others and I can help them like others can and have. I hope to share my wealth and ideas with an audience of my peers to help them as well.

I think this is a great start for now and now that I know my “why”, I am happy to get started.

What are you choosing to value about yourself?

 

The Year Of Value

noun: the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.

Last week, I had the honor of celebrating my 32nd birthday surrounded by friends. I am totally blessed in that while I don’t have a lot of family (really just my father), that I have a ton of friends that I have picked up along the way. Not only did I get to see one of my favorite singers live with free upgraded seating for my birthday, I also got to spend the weekend cooking great meals with friends and going on outdoor adventures at a friend’s cabin up north. And then right before that, I spent a week on the east coast visiting my boyfriend. We partied at a Roger Water’s concert, ate great food and sharing with him my love for Stephen King.

My life is blessed and very full. I have worked hard over the years to design something I love and get to enjoy. I was complaining to my friends just last week I had wanted to take a sailing class but can’t seem to be home for longer than three weeks. A first world problem so filled with privilege if there ever was one. Truly, if 27-year-old Athena heard those words out of my mouth, she would have reached over and slapped her hard.

And while I have joy in my life, mental illness refuses to let me enjoy it sometimes. Old wounds I have spent countless time, energy and money on still haunt me. I have been in therapy off and on for years, and when I think I am strong, something happens that is not even the worst, and I spend days reeling from it. I had a tough life growing up and it still follows me around even though it’s been years. I still play out unhealthy coping mechanisms because it’s all I’ve ever known. And when I feel on top of the world, I can get wiped out in a single wave.

This summer, I have spent a lot of time trying to reel things in before they became worse. I knew it was getting bad again when I found myself in two situations that I should not have been in, saying things I still can’t believe I quite said. It was so out of character, even for me, with my personality disorder. I also found myself unable to concentrate and blowing opportunities that would allow me to take my business to the next level. It was like I couldn’t stop myself, lighting everything close to me on fire.

I’m still recovering from my cancer treatment and losing a loved one from cancer. I’m recovering from a professional failure and then getting even more bad news professionally, four times in the past two months. And I spend my life just doing the bare minimum to get by if it has anything to do with just me. I can’t bear letting others done but for me, I could care less. If you saw the disarray in my house, my body, and my finances, you would agree.  I had to ask myself why I was not truly giving things in my life my all. Why was I not showing any value or letting people know how bright I could really shine and letting the bad circumstances knock out all the hard work I do

Truth bomb: I don’t value myself. Yes, I was literally in the car crying to my boyfriend about my day at work when it hit me like a pile of bricks. I don’t value myself because of my past, which had nothing to even do with me. And I carry around immense shame, scared and terrified people will leave me again, like they did when I needed them the most when it had nothing to do with me. I was a serious people pleaser in my relationships when I was younger and I thought I had outgrown it but it instead manifested in different ways in my life.

Because I don’t value myself, I am never fully confident in anything I do. I never own anything and sort of just let things happen. Sure, when I am really motivated to do something I can definitely do it but I am only like that with my education. Why can’t I apply that to everything else? Because that was the one thing I was always good at, from a very young age. I already had learned how to do that before the shit hit the fan in my life and stuttered my growth in other areas. And because I haven’t been able to own anything, I am behind or not where I want to be, in a lot of aspects of my life. Because I don’t value myself enough to do the work to get there. It’s a hard and slippery slope to admit you don’t value yourself out loud. It’s hard to feel valued by others and like you matter when you yourself don’t think so. It’s hard for others to respect you when you portray it unconsciously and don’t take yourself seriously enough to be confident in your decisions. It’s hard all around.

It’s a hard and slippery slope to admit you don’t value yourself out loud. It’s hard to feel valued by others and like you matter when you yourself don’t think so. It’s hard for others to respect you when you portray it unconsciously and don’t take yourself seriously enough to be confident in your decisions. It’s hard all around.

So this year, I want to work really hard on adding value to myself. I want to show myself, really show myself, that I value, well, myself. I value my relationships and my cat but I value me too. I need to start valuing my health (both mentally and physically), my wealth, my space ( my apartment and car), my career, my business and own personal goals, by making them a priority. I already feel I value my relationships in life so I would just like to keep spending time with loved ones and offering space and understanding when it needs to happen. And this isn’t about them. This is about me letting go of the shame and knowing I am deserving of love, good, and light. I add value to this world and others in it.  And I need to recognize that.