Hello and Happy October! My September was a hit and miss so so so many reasons and because of that, I really lost focus on my goals for the month of September. Along with traveling, I got terribly sick which knocked me out of commission for two weeks. I’m talking fainting on a plane sick due to a severe double ear and sinus infection that has seriously just started going away.
Along with being sick physically, I decided to start seeing a new therapist to help with my mental health again. I stopped taking care of myself like I should have earlier this year for a number of reasons, mainly because I thought I didn’t need to see a therapist any longer. The tricky thing about your brain is that you think you are fine and healed and then everything falls down around you like a glass house. I thought I was fine and stopped taking care of myself the way I should have mentally, emotionally and physically, and so many things this past month hit me in the face.
I am a caring, compassionate and positive person, although you wouldn’t know it from the way I’ve been acting, if I am being perfectly honest. I’ve been so focused on the wrong things and not the right ones, which has really damaged everything from school, work, and some of my relationships. I’ve been a jerk to more than one person because of my perception sometimes and I’m okay admitting that, which is why I am seeing a new therapist. I’m not proud of the way I’ve treated some people, acted in certain situations and I am truly sorry.
I’m a happy, beautiful, compassionate and intelligent person who has a lot going for her, but on the right day, I wouldn’t believe you. I can turn the smallest thing into the biggest thing thanks to my anxiety and I can throw everything away the next moment thanks to my depression. I think everyone is against me and start fighting, sometimes for a reason and than sometimes for none. I’m so used to fighting for so many things in my life that if I’m honest, I feel I can’t stop or everything will go away. And that’s so not true. But anxiety and depression really don’t let you think anything different, even when you may be in your best season yet.
My main goal is to work on myself with my therapist so I stop repeating unhealthy patterns and start moving forward with my life instead of staying stagnant. I want to learn how I can deal with my emotions in a healthy way and not let them boss me around and affect everything I have going for me, from a great career to graduate school to helping people.
I didn’t want to share this, mainly out of fear but then I realized it’s okay. It’s okay to say you need help and get it, and to focus on you so you can become a better you, not just for yourself but for everyone in your life that needs you. They not only deserve that but you do as well. And I’m finally realizing that.