Financial Independence… Is It For Me?

When I had first heard of the term FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) I was baffled. “People actually do this?!” I asked my fellow bloggers. Sure, I knew of people who had worked really hard and sold a business so they didn’t have to work. But, I had never thought of that as being financially independent even though in the grand scheme of things it technically was. My BF is FI and I remember telling him I would never pursue the idea of FIRE, when we first started dating. “Why do I want to stop working? I actually LIKE my job!,” I sneered. (I’m such a jerk sometimes.)

It’s true though. As a fellow social justice warrior, I do love my career in the non-profit sector. Sure, I don’t make a lot but I love helping others. I believe it’s my life’s mission to help youth who have or have had similar circumstances that I did growing up. As corny as that sounds, it’s what I fully believed and still do to this day. I’m happy at my day job, and unlike so many others. I don’t actually hate Mondays.

But, something in my life has shifted to where I can easily see that FIRE may actually not only be a good option for me personally, but something that may actually be needed. An,d something to actually work towards, as quickly as I can, in the next few years. And no, it’s not because all of a sudden I hate my boss or getting up early. (Scratch that, I’ve never like getting up early.) And it’s not because I all of a sudden want to work for myself or become a millionaire (although I do eventually want to do both of these things in due time. Abundance y’all!) It’s because of my health.

Back In The Day

I’m not going to say I’m this horribly sick person because in reality, I’m not. I can get up everyday and go work at my full-time job. I was able to go to college and not earn just one but two degrees in criminal justice and criminology. And I’m able to support myself and my cat. I’m just not sure how much longer my body can keep up without fully crapping out.

I was born a premie to a mother who had severe health issues herself. My mom never waived in having a daughter to raise despite her health conditions which makes her one of my role models today. She was a single mom for several years and didn’t need anyone. But my mom also died when she was 38 due to congestive heart failure and asthma related conditions. One day she was here, the next day she was told she was terminal, then she was gone. For the longest time, I had it in my head I myself was going to die early. And by the grace of God, I am going to live longer than my mother. But I don’t know exactly what my health has in store for me.

As a chronic asthma sufferer, I had strep throat, bronchitis and pneumonia like clock work every year until I was in my mid twenties. Growing up my asthma was awful so when it seemed I had outgrown it, I was joyous. Yes, I thought. No more steroids for me!  I was happy and doing great, like any other twenty year old. Sure, I didn’t treat my body the best but a lot of people in their twenties don’t. But every year, I felt healthier making the changes you make as you mature and become an adult. Then when I turned thirty, everything started to snowball.

Coming To Terms

I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis of the spine at age 30 due to an un-diagnosed case of scoliosis that just got worse overtime. It was never caught when I was younger but this isn’t unheard of in adults with spinal issues. I was also diagnosed with celiac disease and then at age 31, thyroid cancer. Cancer isn’t something you want to hear ever but you especially don’t want to hear it when you are 31.  People hate hearing this but thyroid cancer is one of the easiest ones to treat and although life without a thyroid sucks, I’m lucky I had a great team of doctors. I lost a friend to cancer only a few months after my own diagnosis and it saddened me that her light was ended so quickly.

Earlier this year, I started having severe chest pain that would leave me nauseous and drowning in sweat. Everything felt like it was compressing and I called 911 several times, twice at work. I felt I couldn’t go on and actually fainted from the pain. But everyone assumed, due to my blood work, it was either anxiety caused by stress or another auto immune issue that makes your ribs pop out. As an anxiety sufferer all of my life, I knew it wasn’t true but went along with it until one night I stopped breathing properly.

Hours later, I was admitted into the hospital with severe pancreatitis and my gall bladder was ready to burst. My blood work had came back fine repeatedly until I went to the ER. Actually, one look at me the last time and they knew immediately what was wrong. After two separate procedures and five nights in the hospital, I was ready to go home and let my BF play nurse. He did a great job but I was in pain and depressed. I had to ask myself some tough questions, which isn’t the easiest to do when you don’t feel well and are mopey. But one question has stayed in the back of my mind, haunting me.

“What If One Day, I Can’t Work Anymore?”

Chronically ill people have fears that others who are healthy don’t. Or maybe they do and aren’t as vocal about it. One of our biggest fears, from the few I’ve spoken with, is what will happen when they can’t work full-time anymore or if at all. This is something that is now starting to worry me. Sure, my health isn’t that crappy compared to a lot of other people. I can live on my own and function and go horseback riding and a bunch of other things. But I also have days where I can’t go to work because I just don’t feel well.

My quality of life has gotten substantially better post gallbladder removal. Like, I never knew something like that could make you so sick for so long. But I’m still worried that my body is running on borrowed time. What if my back gets worse or I get cancer again? What if my body comes down with a different auto immune disorder? Already this year I’ve racked up another diagnosis I didn’t even realize I had. And maybe the rest will be like that. Maybe I won’t get anymore. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll get worse. And just need more days of rest in between days of work than what I’m already reasonably allowed by a full-time employer.

Maybe It Is For Me

It’s with these thoughts I’m here today, questioning if FIRE is for me. I’ll be 33 next month, which isn’t old at all but it’s leaving me time for reflection. I’ve always worked to earn more money and cut my spending just so I wouldn’t feel deprived and could make my income stretch more. And I’ve been frustrated with not being focused on my business ideas or things I’ve wanted to pursue in order to raise my income. But in reality, I might not have another chance if I don’t capitalize on it soon. You can always make money and I believe this completely. I’m just not entirely sure my body will allow it.

Any fellow spoonies here feeling the pinch? Anyone else planning for their health to fail at an early age? What precautions are you taking now so you can be safe later? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Mid Year Check In Or, When I Admit Defeat (Not Really)

Sooooo. One thing you will never have to worry about with me is honesty. I wasn’t always this honest, but I’m not really good hiding my emotions either. I am, however, really good at saying whats on my mind, being blunt and telling it like it is. In my opinion, anyway. I’m trying to be better about being empathetic and taking what I dish out, but I’m a work in progress. I can however, very honestly, tell you that my goals for the year are not going the way I want them to, and it’s my own fault.

What Had Happened Was…

In January, I sat down and made myself a list of what I felt were very adventurous yet doable goals. Maybe it was too much drinking during the holidays, but I really felt like I had it together. I was ready for some life changes! I needed to accomplish x,y and z. I was going to do it all! And honestly, I probably could have done a good chunk of it, had I focused and did the work. But that was exactly my problem and still is. I’m not doing the work. And I can honestly and fully admit it now. I probably wasn’t ready to, not even a week ago, when I had originally sat down to write this post. But now I’m ready to be raw and share the parts of myself that aren’t the best.

Self Sabotage

I’m a very codependent person by nature. I love people and I love spending time with others. I value my relationships. But I also hate being alone and I have an irrational fear of being abandoned. Seriously, it’s pretty crazy. If I text you and don’t hear back, I will automatically think you are ignoring me and hate me. My anxiety will kick in and then I wonder what I did, etc. Sometimes, it’s not always this way. I think it depends on who you are and what I perceive our level of friendship to be. But also, I use my codependency, and my focus on other people, as a way to procrastinate and not deal with myself.

I’m quite the yes man. Yeah, I’ll hangout! Yeah, I’ll go on that trip. Yeah, let’s do that concert. Yeah, let’s do whatever you want! Now, in my friend’s defense, no one will honestly be mad if I tell them no to something. No one expects anything from me. They wouldn’t because I have great friends! That’s the beauty about being in your thirties. Most of those superficial relationships, if not all of them, are gone! You have more important things to attend to, like babies! Or drinking! It’s way easier to go party with your friends because you genuinely love them and suffer from FOMO. It’s also way easier when you don’t want to focus on what you’re feeling, why you don’t work on that business or anything else you said you were going to do.

Gallbladders & Such

I’d like to point on, not to be a victim or make excuses, but I am also chronically ill. And if you’ve ever been chronically ill, you know it’s truly a shit storm. Every month, I spend hundreds of dollars between doctor visits, therapy,  prescription medications, insurance and other random things needed, such as supplements or over the counter medications. My lack of a thyroid doesn’t do me any favors and neither does my any of my other random auto-immune issues, lack of sleep, and chronic back pain due to my spine turning in and osteoarthritis. I didn’t even mention my mood disorder yet, which leaves me feeling highs and lows a lot stronger than others. When I get going, watch out!

I’ve felt 1,000,000 times better since my gallbladder came out in May. My chronic pain and flare ups sincerely haven’t been too bad. But being chronically ill is a time suck. When you don’t feel good or are in pain, it’s hard to focus. It’s easier to mindlessly check out then it is to be productive. Like write on your blog. Or pretty much do anything else.

How Bad Do You Want It?

Now that I’ve made enough excuses, I’ll share my wake up moment.

As much as I haven’t worked on my business and finances, I have worked on some other goals. For instance, I’ve been actually able to lose weight and keep it off for the first time in years. I can’t even share how good it feels to have people I see all the time notice my weight loss. The summer heat hasn’t hit me as bad as it usually does because I’m staying hydrated. And as much as I can mention my mood disorder, my medication has been working and I’ve been ableto actually put into practice what my therapist says. That alone is such a major accomplishment! As well as being able to stay focused at your day job! As a result, I was promoted the week after I came back from gallbladder surgery. But, I still had to have an ugly talk with myself and it started after listening to a Joel Osteen podcast.

I love Joel Osteen. I know a lot of people can’t stand him but that’s not the point of this blog post. The point is I love him and I listen to his podcast every week in my car during my commute. One of his more recent episodes was called “How Bad Do You Want It?” The whole message behind his sermon was to ask yourself how hard you were really working towards your goals and if your words matched your actions.  He gave the example of a man who wanted to live in New York City and decided to write letters to a chain store to ask if they were hiring. Obviously, this was in the days of pre-internet.

The man crafted a letter to express his intention to move to New York City post his high school graduation for college and wanted to inquire about any potential job opportunities. Once he acquired the list of stores, he started mailing the letters one by one, to multiple locations. No one responded yet he continued to send. He assumed since there were so many locations in New York City, one would be bound to write him back eventually. Every day, until he moved, he sent a letter, for the entire summer.

Once he had arrived in New York City, he had decided to follow up with a few of his applications. A manager referred him to their corporate office where they did the official hiring and after requesting an interview, a hiring manager asked him to come on back off.  They opened their office drawer to dig out a file and in the file were dozens of his inquiry letters, which had been forwarded by the store managers to the HR. “We knew you’d eventually be here,” he explained, “and we wanted to share with you that your letters had indeed been received.” Needless to say, he was hired.

Commitment. It’s A Thing.

I firmly believe God does not show you things until you’re ready to hear it. For me, so many times in my life, this has rang true. It may not always be the case, but eventually, you realize something that you once had blinders on about. Listening to this podcast made me question myself, my intentions and my quality of work, in all aspects of my life.

It’s hard to be on and 110% in all areas of life. It’s impossible because something always has to give in order to allow you to work on something else. And I can honestly say I have not been giving my all to my business or my finances. And that’s why I’m not farther in my goals in regards to these two areas. I let everything come before these things and then make excuses as to why I can’t do something and then go goof off instead. In good conscious, I can’t ask myself why don’t I make money like other bloggers because I don’t work like a lot of other bloggers. I say I want my brand and story to grow, I want to help others, and then I let something else take my attention away. And that’s not on anyone else, that’s on me. That’s me being reactive and not proactive, in my own life. Enough is enough. I need to stop standing in my own damn way.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I’m not entirely sure where to go from here, to be perfectly honest. There are six months left in the year. I could keep trying to rehash the same old stuff every month and then come up short. It’s not a great way to stay motivated, that’s for sure. Or I could take my current goals and divide them in half. I’m not entirely sure, as I’m still not making a ton of extra income and the majority of my financial goals were based on that. I know, that’s my fault.

So, there you have it. Please don’t stone me too bad. I’m going to try harder and I am working on a solid plan, beginning with baby steps and by trying to keep the end in mind. Because that’s how I’ve been able to keep the weight off as well as do other things in my life. I think I just need to be nice to myself and stay committed.

What do you think? How do you practice commitment and follow through?